his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
