I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
