the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Randomize
