I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
