Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
When are your genitals available?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
