Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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