I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
