its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
We need to get me chipped asap
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
