There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I just want nice things and good sex
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
