if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
