mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
