if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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