my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
