Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
