I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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