she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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