i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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