i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
