Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
