So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
