Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Floor bacon is actually really good
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
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