I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
