just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
