I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
