Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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