i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
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shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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