You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Randomize
