they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
