I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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