I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she woke up with a sticky ear
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Randomize
