she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
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