So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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