Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
