i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just gargled with NyQuil
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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