Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
