The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So. Much. Porn.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
