you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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