I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
