i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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