My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
