It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
