my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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