the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize