I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
