Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
