if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
