You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
