I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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