How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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