you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
