I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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