If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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