Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
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He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
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I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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