How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
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I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
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Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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