i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
