and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
