Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
