I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Hippo gnu deer
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
