this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
